my first time in germany!!
now, let it be known that my knowledge of the german language extends only as far as "mercedes benz" and "three beers please'' -- i can even be so brash as to say "two beers quickly please"
so with such limited knowledge, even with a bit of clever substitution, the most i'm going to be able to say is "three mercedes benz quickly please" -- and what good is that gonna do me when i'm so far away from the hustling corners of west hollywood?
taking all this into account, it seems that my time in germany would consist of me either keeping to myself and not speaking to anyone, or putting my charades skills to good use - and where previously i'd never given any thought to my ability to play charades, i now reckon i'd be able to give anyone a run for their money!!
but really, the more i interacted with the locals of dusseldorf, i discovered that their knowledge of the English language is really good, and i didn't end up really have to act out anything that i wanted -- though it was good fun trying to ask an old lady where the train station was: a perfect reminder that this grown man should never put his arms by his side at right-angles and make the sounds "choo CHOO!!" -- though, kylie minogue would be quite proud, 20 years after she released the song, people are still doing The Locomotion
my adventures in dusseldorf:
almost admit defeat by one of the most complicated ticket-booking vending-machines you've ever encountered (and i've encountered my fair share of complicated ticket-booking vending-machines!) . catch the subway into the town centre -- but not before sitting stationary for 25 minutes before realising you're sitting on the wrong train . now on the correct train, have a drunken man in a suit wake up from an alcohol-induced slumber, and stare at you:
Man In Suit: (in heavily accented English) "where is my wife?"
Mitch: "uh, pardon, sir?!"
Man In Suit: "my wife, what have you done with my wife?"
Mitch: "i've never...huh? i've never met your wife!"
Man In Suit: "lucky you"
in the town square, watch a couple of dramatists perform some sort of teen-angsty miming performance piece for a small crowd of people -- i mean, i never understood people even when they were miming in English, so you can only imagine how confused i was watching people mime in German! (their performance piece was probably something to do with global warming or abortion or pretzels or some other current hot topic) . laugh at the discovery that while the winner of "Australia's Next Top Model" gets to have her photo on the cover of Vogue, the winner of "Germany's Next Top Model" gets to have her photo on the cover of Playboy . once again find yourself dodging trams -- don't they have beeping horns to alert passengers of their impending approach?! we should put little bells on their collars like we do with cats . go into a Rolex store, and pretend like you're really interested in buying one -- i swear i'm not usually such a wanker, but i accidentally may have put the words "my birthday" into the same sentence as the words "daddy dearest"; oh god i almost felt sorry for the poor woman when i saw her eyes light up, i could almost see her already spending the commission in her head -- needless to say, the most i walked out of there with was a complimentary Rolex catalogue and a pricelist . have a go at a game that tests the speed of your tennis serve, and be only mildly surprised when the nine-year-old boy next to you has a faster serve . stroll through a park, and lay in the long grass reading a book about a whole bunch of expensive watches that you'll never be able to afford -- "three Rolex's quickly please" . walk halfway across the city for close to two hours looking for a particular cafe that had been recommended to you, only to find that it has closed down . make another attempt at your new favourite game "Kick The Pigeon" -- relax, i'm still crap . help a guy push his broken-down car . find a bow rolling along the road, so stick it to your shoe -- cos like my friend Boona always says: "Life's too short for boring shoes" -- (somehow, i think she had something else in mind other than sticking wrapping paper accessories to your shoes, but the sentiment remains the same) . buy the obligatory fridge magnet for the collection . order a soy chai latte, extra-hot, no water, no foam from Starbucks . after suffering for hours from ill-fitting (but very interesting shoes), finally just decide to walk around town barefoot -- what's a bit of frostbite when you're discovering the world? and if it made a few local girls smile, then the potential threat of shards of glass in my feet were worth it . get tired of walking so much, so evade a fare and jump on a train -- hey, it's not my fault their ticket machines don't accept €50 notes! . find it funny that while Australia has an ice-cream galled a "GayTime", it's not half as funny as the fact that Germany has an ice-cream called "BumBum"!!! . hours later, with karma working her wonderful ways, find yourself paying back a whole lot more than the evaded train fare when you discover that you've lost your €50 note -- crime doesn't pay, people! oh well, at least i lost €50 whilst i was travelling through Dusseldorf!!!
here are the photos:
stay tuned, next week: HAMBURG!!!
let the good times roll!!
